rawjourney365

Last night someone asked me if I had been blogging anymore…said that she missed hearing from me. That was so sweet to receive. I LOVED when I was blogging every single day — the first 2 months of the year. The second 2 months of the year, I’ve been blogging every couple of days. My journey of self-acceptance continues.

I committed to blogging every day. I committed to eating 100% raw plus one cup of anything else I wanted. And then I needed to modify both to take care of myself even better. But this is hard for me. Sticking to commitments was something I did not learn as a child. My father did most of the parenting and met me with “It’s okay to let go of this…or that….” likely in the name of wanting me to be happy.

So a few years of piano lessons and a teacher who smoked cigars and smelled terribly, led me to stop. I played recorder, flute, bassoon, clarinet, and probably some other instruments….all just for a little while. (I did finally find my voice and sang beautifully for years with a few different groups….can’t let go of that one, I guess it’s just always there and attached to me! )

And other things…like Hebrew School. When it got hard — my father asked me if I wanted a Bat Mitzvah or a Sweet 16 party. Said I could only have one but not both (financial reasons.) What 13 year old would choose challenging study of Hebrew? What terribly shy girl would choose the option that would have me singing in front of 100s of people on a “stage” (I hadn’t yet found my singing voice.) You know what I chose.

I’m not blaming my father. Well, maybe I am a little bit — but as a parent I have compassion and total understanding of his decisions. It’s hard to hold the structure of daily practice for your children when they are railing against it. It’s hard to see my children suffering and sometimes the answer IS to let them stop what they are doing, ask them to take a break, help them accept where they are right now and teach them to let go if it’s healthy for them. But it’s a fine line….that’s for sure.

So here I am – 46 years old. Still learning about Commitment. Also, still learning about Mothering myself. And the fine line….between the voice of my Higher Self that asks me to take excellent care of myself (and not blog for example while my son was in a crisis and I was exhausted) and knowing that Commitment means showing up no matter what.

It’s not easy. And I think the best course of action no matter what — is Self- Acceptance. Because no matter what choices I make – loving myself through them is what brings harmony and peace inside.

Knock if you can relate…..

LOVE,
Robyn

Do you guys know Ellis Paul?  Well, if you don’t, you ‘should’!!!  I fell completely in love with him in the matter of a few moments of witnessing him singing on stage. I used to see him years ago on the street in Harvard Square — tall, skinny thing with long hair.  Now…a filled out, MAN (still longish hair) and stage presence like you can’t believe! 

Why am I talking about dear Ellis Paul?  Hmm…I walked outside tonight while talking with Jill and looked at the moon — it’s nearly full and Passover is upon us.  (I think that led me to Ellis’ beautiful rendition of Patsy Cline’s Walking After Midnight….)  

The lyrics go on to say “….searching for you….” — and those words remind me of how I’ve been searching for myself this year.  To know myself in a deeper way.  Long ago I learned to do the bypass dance….”Who me?  I’m okay!  I’m good!  No worries!  I’m good…..really.”  (know that one?)  It was a brilliant strategy for a time, and a throng of humans, that needed to hear that response.  And so even now — someone as self-aware as I feel I am (and claim to be! <laugh>) — I am still searching for and reclaiming small whispers that get left behind.  Bypassed.  Passed by.  

I’m noticing myself reacting differently than earlier in the year. I notice myself feeling uncomfortable and saying “no, that doesn’t work for me” when just 8 weeks ago, it seemed like a fine choice.  It actually makes me laugh as it puzzles me.  But then I realize, that I was doing a bypass….in the name of something that seemed really important in the moment.  I wasn’t even searching for ‘me’…just walking.

Now I’m walking after midnight….and that’s just my way of saying I love you (to myself.)

Love,

Robyn 

Hi! I just returned from a lovely trip to San Diego with a BFF from when I was a pre-teen!  It was so much fun to spend that time with her and to witness her daughter take on the challenge of becoming a Bat Mitzvah and come through with stars shining!  

Being on vacation always offers a birds eye view. 

I came home to realizing how fast I allow my days to run.  Witnessing my friend, Jo, in her organized and meticulous way of being in the world, take one step at a time…even during periods of great stress.  I’ve been scheduling myself like the wind without a bird’s eye view and creating stress where it doesn’t have to land. 

Vacations always offer perspective for me.  I watched myself yesterday — witnessing the requisite speed up ‘wanting’ to take over — and thankfully I had enough awareness to take a breath and slow down.  So now….the task is how to sustain it.  Perhaps it’s the speed of New England I’ll have to fight against.  Perhaps the sunny weather (although it was quite cloudy when I was there…and fairly cold) of San Diego slows people down…..they run (exercise) like the wind there but perhaps that slows them down in their life outside of exercise.  

The other perspective I gained had to do with parenting.  I watched my friend, with her 17 and 14 year old girls, take excellent care of herself in places where, although my children are 14 and 8, I’m sure I could be doing a better job.  For example, her daughters get themselves up in the morning, make their own lunches, eat breakfast, all while my friend is taking care of herself with her own important morning routine.  She even goes out occasionally in the evening while the girls stay home!  (wow!!)  

I could state several reasons why my parenting is perhaps too involved, or too unnecessarily over-done….but instead I’ll just say that the birds eye view helped me to bring awareness to my choices.  It’s not new information for me, that perhaps I’m often ‘over’ parenting — and I see the value in my style.  But I also am beginning to see the draw-backs.  And my Inner Mother, the one trying to get more air time can easily reflect on what she needs that my conflict with what another part of me thinks it ‘should’ be doing in the name of “good parenting.”  

So today, my second day home….my intention is to stay connected to the BALANCE that I felt in my body yesterday….not to dive in too deeply here thereby losing perspective (and my lovely birds I view…..)

Love,

Robyn

Hi!  Here I am back in blog-land.  I took a 4-day break from writing….spent some time in western MA where the cyber-ness is quiet (thankfully) and then a day of integration yesterday.  I’m glad to be back.

I’m going to take a deep breath, drop into my heart and see what’s there to share.

I’ll start with outer raw journey:  Food.  I returned home to find that Whole Foods now has a container of pre-washed, pre-cut POWER GREENS!!!!  Happy dance!    Look!  Look!  Aren’t they gorgeous!  It’s kale, spinach, chard — all cut up and ready to eat!  The every-day eater might assume that they need to be cooked!  Even the label says “cook them or add them to salads”  but me?  This IS the salad!  It’s been a delicious meal the last few days — topped with cut up tomatoes, sprouted lentils, olives and capers.  Absolutely YUM.

My inner raw journey?  Well, that’s been very full.  My heart is integrating this wisdom right now:

• Truly we are never alone; it may be hard but it’s so very important to remember that we are loved….always
• If in fact, we don’t receive what we ‘think’ we need, get even more clear and ask again
• We’ve all come to earth this time ’round with our own journeys…even mamma bear can’t take away the pain of her cubs all the time (if ever)
• Ask if you don’t know the answer
• It’s good to know when more boundaries are needed; more detachment — because in fact it’s hurting rather than helping

Best Love,

Robyn